it's not easy bein' (that) green (light)
if the great gatsby was a muppets movie (with a lorde soundtrack)
I’ve been workshopping that title for over a week and that is the best you’re getting!
The Great Gatsby entered public domain on Friday 1st January 2021, meaning we can remake it, adapt it, write sequels, make movies where the characters date Dracula, all that stuff. But most importantly, we can make a film adaptation the way it was meant to be seen: as a Muppets movie.
There have been multiple adaptations of The Great Gatsby, and none of them are good. That’s a fact! If I get a text from any of my friends suggesting that Baz Luhrmann’s 2013 effort is ‘good’: you’re getting blocked. The only decent one is the 1974 version starring Robert Redford, and even that is not good because they didn’t go with Truman Capote’s script in which Jordan is an open lesbian.
So finally, we can make a good adaptation of this book that objectively would not make a good film. I’ve been discussing some casting choices with my nearest and dearest, and have come up with some good options. Disney if you’re reading, all of this is my intellectual property and you are legally required to pay me if you are inspired by any of it.
So obviously, Gatsby must be played by a human. I’m following the Muppets Christmas Carol model, in which you could directly lift Michael Caine’s performance and put it in an all-human version and it would make literally no difference. You think Leonardo DiCaprio would commit like that to a performance opposite the Muppets? Don’t make me laugh.
Nick has to be played by Kermit. I tweeted about this, obviously.
The difficulty comes when you start considering who will play the women. Unfortunately, despite my love of the Muppets, it is apparently a misogynistic organisation with very few female characters. We of course have Miss Piggy, who I believe is the only one who can play Daisy, although she would suit Myrtle for obvious reasons. Speaking of Myrtle, no adaptation has done the crash scene like the 1949 version, and I would hope the Muppets version does a shot-for-shot remake of this.
I think Camilla the Chicken would have to play Myrtle, because that’s objectively hilarious. Gonzo presumably would be playing George, but the idea of Beaker shooting a man and freaking out about it is also objectively hilarious, and this is where I started getting lost. Perhaps this is a problem in my real life, where the idea of doing the funniest possible thing overtakes any rational measured response to a situation.
But is that really in the spirit of the Muppets? After all, I just said that I wanted whoever played Gatsby to fully commit to the role. The sincerity and earnestness is what makes the films so good. Even the silly parts have everybody involved taking it seriously! By saying that I just want it to be as funny as possibly feels like a disservice to both F. Scott Fitzgerald, who deserves it, and the Muppets, who don’t. So maybe Gonzo should be George. I would still laugh.
Finally, Statler and Waldorf as the eyes of Dr T.J. Eckleburg.
Other media that should be remade with the Muppets:
Paradise Lost - Lucifer played by a human, everyone else muppets. Kermit and Miss Piggy as Adam and Eve, obviously.
The Godfather - Michael is a human. Something in my brain says the Swedish Chef should be Vito Corleone but I have no justification other than, once again, it would make me laugh.
Pride and Prejudice
